so…it’s been a week. and then another week. …and then a third week? surely not. i think it’s only been the two. anyway, my “a week and then i’ll see,” week is totally up.
the first week was full of all sorts of potential planning. i didn’t get very far because, well, it wasn’t the week for that.
the first week was hard because i still had so much work-related information in my head. i still had ryan coming home with “well, today was messed up because we found out at the last minute…” and i could say “no, someone has known about that for three weeks.”
the first week was hope.
the second week went by in a blur.
the second week was half lists and todo items and half celebrating all my free time
the second week was telling myself how great it was that i had all this free time.
the second week was denial.
today is the third week.
today it’s hard to deny things.
today i look at my facebook and think, “if i was a friend from a past life that i hadn’t talked to in 5 – 10 years, i would think i’d become one of those women who lives their lives through their husband and children.”
today i look back over the last 2 weeks and realize that i was never not with my baby.
today i think more and more that i got a “we’ll still be friends” speech when i was let go.
today i realize that i’ve been avoiding feeling hurt.
today i admit that being “of use” to my husband and my baby and my family is probably not good enough.
today i admit that i haven’t made any plans because plans are scary and i’d rather just wait until i can’t stand it anymore…like i do when i’m in control.
tonight i wallow in this feeling.
tomorrow i wallow in this feeling.
the rest of my week is booked, so i’ll be too busy to notice i’m wallowing.
next week i get the hell over myself and fix it.