Saturday: Panel-Hopping The panel I enjoyed the most was the one I knew the least about. I’m barely literate in Marvel and don’t speak DC at all, hardly, but that’s where the group was headed first, so I tagged along to see what these were like. It was pretty fine, but sitting by Jeff, Louis, and Ali and having a running commentary about who the guys at the front were and what they were (not) talking about made all the difference.

It was clear (and it had been before) that panels pretty much go like this:

Moderator: Here are people who write and illustrate things you like.
Crowd: Yay!
Artist (one by one): I am working on something awesome. You’ll be excited.
Crowd: We will!
Artist: Inside Joke!
Crowd: Ha ha ha!
Moderator: Wouldn’t it be cool if this thing we totally planned to reveal at this panel were to happen?
Crowd: …yes?
Moderator: I said wouldn’t it be cool if this thing we totally planned to reveal at this panel were to happen?
Crowd: Sorry we were confused. Yes! It would be Very Cool!
Moderator: Then it’s going to happen!
Crowd: Hurrah!
Moderator: And now for some Q&A from our audience!
Audience Member: Will this thing I want to happen ever happen?
Moderator/Artist/Guy in the back who’s in charge of Spoiler Leakage: Maybe
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic.
Other Audience Member: OMG I love you guys!
M/A: Thanks?
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic.
Other-Other Audience Member: Will you please spoil the thing you said you would in no way shape or form spoil?
M/A: No
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic. et cetera, et cetera.

This is fun when you’re with a group (and leave after the first few questions), but when I was by myself it was hard to feel like it was a good use of my time. I kept feeling like there was other fun I could be having on the floor with friends.

I didn’t stay very long at the Vertigo panel, just long enough to listen to Jill Thompson completely sell me on her Little Endless books and to hear Scott Snyder talk about collaborating with Stephen King for some of American Vampires, which after only a few issues is becoming my All Time Favorite Vampire Thing Of All Time.

Speaking of vampires, I did hang out in the True Blood panel for most of it. I liked hearing about some of the on set shenanigans, but the constant “wooo!”-ing from the crowd every time someone talked about being naked on set and such got old. The moderator also greeted us with “Hey there, Fangbangers!” which didn’t sit well with most of the audience, me included. In the True Blood universe, fangbangers is a derogatory term for humans that are more or less obsessed with the vampires to the point of putting their life at risk, doing anything just to be near them, etc etc. It’s a bit like greeting Harry Potter fans by calling them “Mudbloods” and expecting them to cheer. It’s true, but it’s not exactly nice.

The cast members on the panel were entertaining through. Sam Trammel is very similar to his character and seemed to be a bit ill-at-ease with all the woo-ing. Brit Morgan is just on this side of being a “I can’t believe I’m actually acting with these people” fangirl herself and nothing like her character. I’m guessing that after seeing the actress, I might be able to stand the character a bit more. A good thing, since likely without meaning to, or realizing what she was saying, she implied that her character isn’t going away any time soon. She’s got more episodes in season 4 than she had in 3, despite dying either at the end of the 3rd book or the beginning of the 3rd. That’s the only thing I “learned” from the panel that wasn’t already more or less common knowledge. These 3 were so cautious about spoilers that they were worried about mentioning things that they worried about “revealing” things from previous seasons.

Kristen Bauer, though. Wow. First of all, while she’s the “full figured” character on the show (by no means heavy, but not a twig like Sookie or Jessica), she is practically a twig in real life. I hardly recognized her when I was people watching earlier and she was at the photo-op station. Mostly, however, she is exactly how I’d hoped she’d be. Pam is my “if I were a vampire, I’d hopefully be just like that” character on the show, and I feel the same way about the actress. She’s sassy without being crass or cruel, articulate and clearly very intelligent, and drop dead gorgeous.

It may come as a surprise, but I didn’t stick around for the Vampire Diaries panel and I don’t really regret it. Hanging out by myself wasn’t nearly as fun and I didn’t want to spend another hour doing it. Between the Vertigo and True Blood panels, I’d had my fill.

say “hi ^introvertnamehere! it’s me, ^extrovertnamehere! we last saw each other at ^placewhereintrovertlastsawyou. i’m ^wayintrovertisconnectedtoyou.”

this allows the introvert to say “yes, of course i remember you.” even though we can’t, because we’re an introvert and totally suck at that game.

i know. you’re thinking, “but of course that person remembers me. how could they not? we totally hung out that one night and chatted and everything. if i say that, the introvert will be insulted.”

yeaaaah, it doesn’t matter to us. unless the introvert approaches you and says hi (and uses your name), please do him/her a favor and reintroduce yourself. “worst case scenario” is that the introvert says “yes, of course i remember you” and actually means it and feels a little thrill that they didn’t completely muck it up.

thanks,
the introverts
(especially the ones with social anxiety disorders)

the first week was full of all sorts of potential planning. i didn’t get very far because, well, it wasn’t the week for that.

the first week was hard because i still had so much work-related information in my head. i still had ryan coming home with “well, today was messed up because we found out at the last minute…” and i could say “no, someone has known about that for three weeks.”

the first week was hope.

the second week went by in a blur.

the second week was half lists and todo items and half celebrating all my free time

the second week was telling myself how great it was that i had all this free time.

the second week was denial.

today is the third week.

today it’s hard to deny things.

today i look at my facebook and think, “if i was a friend from a past life that i hadn’t talked to in 5 – 10 years, i would think i’d become one of those women who lives their lives through their husband and children.”

today i look back over the last 2 weeks and realize that i was never not with my baby.

today i think more and more that i got a “we’ll still be friends” speech when i was let go.

today i realize that i’ve been avoiding feeling hurt.

today i admit that being “of use” to my husband and my baby and my family is probably not good enough.

today i admit that i haven’t made any plans because plans are scary and i’d rather just wait until i can’t stand it anymore…like i do when i’m in control.

tonight i wallow in this feeling.

tomorrow i wallow in this feeling.

the rest of my week is booked, so i’ll be too busy to notice i’m wallowing.

next week i get the hell over myself and fix it.

drink less soda (maybe 1 a day?)

well, i’m not sure what “less” was before i got pregnant, but due to pregnancy and breastfeeding, i’ve cut back to 1-2 “doses” of caffeine a day. that’s certainly less than the “triple venti” mornings i used to have. i’d call this one accomplished    

drink way more water (some in the form of tea)

went above and beyond while pregnant. i could stand to drink a bit more water than i do right now, but i know it’s way more than i used to. accomplished    

wean myself mostly off of caffeine by march-ish

heh. one or two cans or a single grande bevvy *is* weaned for me. accomplished    

exercise regularly (once week by march, adding a “once” every week every quarter)

heh. no. missed    

read one book a month (pitiful goal, i know, but considering i read about 3 all 2006, it’s not an unrealistic one)

also no. i think i managed about 6 books total, and all but harry potter 7 were pregnancy/labor/baby related. so very missed    

write (at least 6 hours a week)

oh god no. if i couldn’t find time to read, there’s no way i could find time to write. i tossed a few blog posts out there, but as far as *writing* goes, 2007 was a wasteland. missed    

eat better (one “take out” meal a day, healthier choices in general)

while pregnant, i only gained 15 pounds. since giving birth i’ve lost almost 40. i’ve been healthy the entire time. while i’m not eating rabbit food, i have drastically redefined what a portion is. i’m closer to my goal weight today than i have been in almost 6 years. i’d call that accomplished    

take my vitamins

can’t build a healthy baby without ‘em! accomplished    

finish ryan’s scarf before spring

oh. right. i remember that scarf. missed    

and the lofty “i have no control, really” goals:sell the house

finally happened in february. accomplished    

move into the loft

sold in june, moved in during july. accomplished    

get pregnant

healthy, beautiful baby girl was born in november. accomplished    

find a cure for various forms of cancer

missed this one and lost so much as a result.    

take a really-real vacation (or two, or three, or more)

made it to seattle. nobody went to florida. had to skip out on the NY trip, and i barely remember wanting to go to mardi gras except to not be here. mostly missed    

buy some shiny new apple things (won’t be able to help myself)

…i think i bought an ipod? will probably get a new laptop this year, depending on what apple brings. accomplished    

earn lots of money to support all these goals ;)

…i managed to not get fired, despite my horrendous attitude, multiple week-long absences, and drastically decreased productivity. heck. they even gave me a raise! accomplished    

…you know what? looking back, i feel almost satisfied. i have a feeling my 2008 goals are going to look quite different, but i’ll save that post for another moment.

let’s recap, shall we?

January
bad: found out my dad’s “spots” were very terminal pancreatic cancer

February
good: *finally* sold our damn house.
bittersweet: found out friends were pregnant (what? i’m not allowed to be happy and a wee bit jealous?)
bad: work-related stress comes to a serious head, resulting in more than one panic attack.

March
bad -”the flood” -work falls to bitty, bitty chaotic pieces
bittersweet: found out my cousin was pregnant (see above)
good: found out I was pregnant
(it should be noted that the flood, rachel’s pregnancy and my discovery were all the same damn day)
bad: dad spends the month in and out of the hospital thanks to pneumonia, random fevers, and life-threatening blood clots.
bad: low progesterone issues threaten my pregnancy
bad: trip to new york is cancelled.
worst week so far: the one where it looked like i was going to miscarry, my dad was going to die, and we should have been spending a great week in newyork with my inlaws.

fuck march

April
good: low progesterone issues taper off as i enter the second trimester
bad: my dad dies.

fuck april

May
bad: my dad’s first not-birthday
good: the first annual “Bob Valentine Memorial Day at the Casino”
bad: Nancy (my mother in law)’s cancer has spread to her brain.

fuck the hell out of may.

June
good: baby and i pass the 18week checkup with flying colors, even if we didn’t discover the gender
good: trip to seattle with 4 of my closest friends (oh, and ryan)
good: work seems to be turning around with the help of some restructuring/new hires
bad: my mentor leaves the company, leaving me at “the helm” of this new restructuring
bad: my first birthday in 20+ years where my father doesn’t call me at 10:50 to say happy birthday
good/bad: the radiation treatments clearly help Nancy, but greatly fatigue her/cause complications

seattle aside, fuck june, too.

July
bad: blockage in Nancy’s digestive system is irreparable. she comes home to die.
bittersweet: more rushed than we’d like, we move out of our crappy apartment and into our sexy loft. loft is largely empty as we left most of our stuff behind.
good: baby is officially declared a girl
bad: my grandmother (the only grandparent i have left) is diagnosed with chronic pulmonary distress.
good: looks like she’s just an 89 year old woman with 89 year old lungs. it’s not great, but it’s not life-threatening.
bad: Nancy dies. her wake is 3 months to the day that my father died.
good: we register for “stuff” at babiesrus as a helpful distraction.
good: will and gina arrive a week early.

i’d fuck july if i had the strength.

August
good: will and gina’s presence in our home makes it feel like home.
bad: the week i took off to support my family throws the restructuring at work out of whack. yes, there were other reasons, but had i been there…
bad: stress of life and work and physical stress of baby causes painful acid reflux and i loose a weekend to feebleness and vomiting. takes a week to get my appetite back.
good: when we can squeeze it in, we move forward with baby things like building furniture and registering at target.
good: we find almost a week where we can focus on our loft and our upcoming baby. there is still much to do.
bad: life and work stress, coupled with the fact that i’m less and less physically capable of doing things, cause me to start having panic attacks again.
good: i start taking anti-depressants after talking with my doctor.
good: surprise trip to peoria to see nickelcreek and fiona apple.
bad: very close friends who’ve been together for 5 years end their relationship.
second worst week of the year: watching a friend grieve over the loss of her relationship and trying to help when she wants to be left alone to die. feeling more helpless than with either death.
good: my replacement at work is a rockstar. it gets easier every week to let a little work-stress go.
bad: nancy’s father (grandpa fritz) is diagnosed with colon cancer.
good: grandpa fritz has a very successful surgery to remove the cancer. is pronounced “good for 10 more years”. he is 91.
bad: grandpa’s sutures fail. he returns for additional surgery. it is successful (thusfar), but requires a ventilator, feeding tube. none of which he wants.

fuck august.

fuck it harder than any other month, in no small part because of all the months that have come before it, weighing it down so heavily.

september – december
good: apple day
bad: the first apple day with no nancy. the first apple day in 5 years with no fritzs because they’re all in chicago watching over grandpa’s beside.
bad: grandpa will likely not see halloween.
good: impending births of many loved children, including my own.
good: declaring myself “pagan enough” to count halloween as the new year and hopefully separating charlotte’s birth from the year that preceded it.
deathly frightening and exiting: charlotte’s arrival
bittersweet: there is still so very much to do.
bittersweet: showers for charlotte, which will have a few palpable absences.
good: will and gina will likely still be in town when charlotte arrives
bad: will and gina will leave days later for their new home in DC.
bittersweet: thanksgiving, christmas and so many alterations to loved traditions.
good: there will be a tattoo on me in some form or another to mark this year on my skin as permanently as it’s been marked on my soul.

may it be that i find the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

(congrats to the happy couple and their upgraded family)

so one time a while ago (like …8 or so years) someone invited me to my very first hockey game.

“why would i want to go to a hockey game? it’s just a bunch of guys skating and getting into fights instead of actually playing a game!” said i. but i went anyway because we’d only been dating a month or so and i was still in that agreeable stage.

“oh my god!” i said maybe 20 minutes into it. “it’s a bunch of guys skating around and getting into fights! how fun is that?!”

and i’ve been a hockey fan ever since.

a few years later (like 6) a friend invited me to monster trucks.

“eh. it’s just going to be a bunch of loud noise and cars smashing into things.” i said. but i went anyway, because he was a good friend and was very excited. he may have also said something like “i can’t imagine you at a monster trucks” which i interpreted as a challenge.

“holy crap!” i said after the first huge truck thing smashed the heck out of some spray-painted cars. “it’s a bunch of loud noise and cars smashing into things! this is so much fun!”

and now i go ever year.

this year, a friend asked me to see stars on ice with her.

“so, it’s basically the olympics only without any competition and live, and with maybe some backflips or something since you can’t do those in the olympics.” yawn. but i went, because she played the “my fiancee doesn’t really want to go, won’t you go with me?” card, and like hockey and monstertrucks before it, i didn’t have a good enough reason not to go. not that i didn’t want to go, i just didn’t *want* to go. you understand. hopefully kristan will too when she reads this. ;)

“we have seats on the ice,” she said. mkay. so the seats are the best we can get. that’s good.

holy crapola! it’s seriously like the olympics except everyone’s just having a good time and putting on a show and it’s right frigging there and they’re doing all sorts of shit you don’t see on tv because it’s *not* the olympics and they can and oh my god is it cool.

even cooler than monster trucks.

and when they say “on the ice” they don’t mean “in the first row like the hockey games with a barrier between you and the performers. they mean on the “wear boots because your toes will get cold because under that plywood your folding chair is sitting on is the” ice.

which is also incredibly cool. incredibly cool. you’re close enough to get winked at by the pretty ones, and when they do that little spinny thing on one shoe it makes this really strange noise that you can actually hear and it’s really, really cool.

did i say that already?

you know how in cutting edge they do that thing where he spins her around and she looks like she’s going to hit the ice with her head? they did that. a few times.

gah. all i can do is gush. if someone says “do you want to see stars on ice?” say “yes, and can we get tickets on the ice?”

you’re welcome.

“what was that scary looking woman’s name?”
“which woman?”
“you know. the scary looking one.”
“…you mean the one that looked like a man?”
“yes!”
“um…janet reno.”
“yes! that one!”

(and we were right)

also, apparently second baby labor goes very very fast. and she must have managed to convince her husband that it was okay to name their second child after a buffy character because, yes, he’ll be called xander. kate still maintans she forgot that angel’s name was originally liam when they named their first.

so happy birthday casey :)

assuming casey ever comes here