Saturday: Panel-Hopping The panel I enjoyed the most was the one I knew the least about. I’m barely literate in Marvel and don’t speak DC at all, hardly, but that’s where the group was headed first, so I tagged along to see what these were like. It was pretty fine, but sitting by Jeff, Louis, and Ali and having a running commentary about who the guys at the front were and what they were (not) talking about made all the difference.

It was clear (and it had been before) that panels pretty much go like this:

Moderator: Here are people who write and illustrate things you like.
Crowd: Yay!
Artist (one by one): I am working on something awesome. You’ll be excited.
Crowd: We will!
Artist: Inside Joke!
Crowd: Ha ha ha!
Moderator: Wouldn’t it be cool if this thing we totally planned to reveal at this panel were to happen?
Crowd: …yes?
Moderator: I said wouldn’t it be cool if this thing we totally planned to reveal at this panel were to happen?
Crowd: Sorry we were confused. Yes! It would be Very Cool!
Moderator: Then it’s going to happen!
Crowd: Hurrah!
Moderator: And now for some Q&A from our audience!
Audience Member: Will this thing I want to happen ever happen?
Moderator/Artist/Guy in the back who’s in charge of Spoiler Leakage: Maybe
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic.
Other Audience Member: OMG I love you guys!
M/A: Thanks?
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic.
Other-Other Audience Member: Will you please spoil the thing you said you would in no way shape or form spoil?
M/A: No
5-10% of the crowd leaves as another person steps to the mic. et cetera, et cetera.

This is fun when you’re with a group (and leave after the first few questions), but when I was by myself it was hard to feel like it was a good use of my time. I kept feeling like there was other fun I could be having on the floor with friends.

I didn’t stay very long at the Vertigo panel, just long enough to listen to Jill Thompson completely sell me on her Little Endless books and to hear Scott Snyder talk about collaborating with Stephen King for some of American Vampires, which after only a few issues is becoming my All Time Favorite Vampire Thing Of All Time.

Speaking of vampires, I did hang out in the True Blood panel for most of it. I liked hearing about some of the on set shenanigans, but the constant “wooo!”-ing from the crowd every time someone talked about being naked on set and such got old. The moderator also greeted us with “Hey there, Fangbangers!” which didn’t sit well with most of the audience, me included. In the True Blood universe, fangbangers is a derogatory term for humans that are more or less obsessed with the vampires to the point of putting their life at risk, doing anything just to be near them, etc etc. It’s a bit like greeting Harry Potter fans by calling them “Mudbloods” and expecting them to cheer. It’s true, but it’s not exactly nice.

The cast members on the panel were entertaining through. Sam Trammel is very similar to his character and seemed to be a bit ill-at-ease with all the woo-ing. Brit Morgan is just on this side of being a “I can’t believe I’m actually acting with these people” fangirl herself and nothing like her character. I’m guessing that after seeing the actress, I might be able to stand the character a bit more. A good thing, since likely without meaning to, or realizing what she was saying, she implied that her character isn’t going away any time soon. She’s got more episodes in season 4 than she had in 3, despite dying either at the end of the 3rd book or the beginning of the 3rd. That’s the only thing I “learned” from the panel that wasn’t already more or less common knowledge. These 3 were so cautious about spoilers that they were worried about mentioning things that they worried about “revealing” things from previous seasons.

Kristen Bauer, though. Wow. First of all, while she’s the “full figured” character on the show (by no means heavy, but not a twig like Sookie or Jessica), she is practically a twig in real life. I hardly recognized her when I was people watching earlier and she was at the photo-op station. Mostly, however, she is exactly how I’d hoped she’d be. Pam is my “if I were a vampire, I’d hopefully be just like that” character on the show, and I feel the same way about the actress. She’s sassy without being crass or cruel, articulate and clearly very intelligent, and drop dead gorgeous.

It may come as a surprise, but I didn’t stick around for the Vampire Diaries panel and I don’t really regret it. Hanging out by myself wasn’t nearly as fun and I didn’t want to spend another hour doing it. Between the Vertigo and True Blood panels, I’d had my fill.

On an intellectual level, I do not believe in a predicted “end times”, but the more world events keep stacking up in favor of a man-made apocalypse with a “natural” catalyst, I worry that some sort of end is nearing and that those who consider themselves believers are going to reach a tipping point and their panic will infect enough of us that it won’t matter what I believe anymore.

(I really need to finish The Passage.)

Why yes, I am totally reusing most of the original post for this second weekend. Thank you for noticing.

Today is the second weekend of AMC’s Best Picture Showcase. I’ll be watching the other 5 of the 10 films nominated for best picture for the 2011 Oscars. Between showings, I’ll be coming back here to give you my impressions. If you catch the post between viewings, all that extra cruft is because writing HTML code on an iPhone blows chunks and i don’t feel like doing all that tedious formatting work between shows.

Last weekend I was by myself, which was an interesting and slightly nerve-wracking experience, except for when it was No Big Deal, which was most of the time. There were a few times i abandoned my sweater in the hopes it would save my seat, but it turns out that everyone around me was pretty mature and not at all what i would have expected to be at the theatre, so there probably wasn’t even a need.

Having done this before and run out of the right “kind” of food, I’m better armed this week, both with longer-lasting snacks and some caffeine for additional refueling needs. I can’t solve the phone charging problem, but it seemed to do okay last weekend.

It’s a longer ride this weekend, but fortunately I’ll have company. No worries, I’ll still be updating the blog, but maybe not as wordily as before.

Just like last time, I’ll update the rest of the post as the day goes on.

Pre-Show Entertainment

10:29 talking with Jim. you lose.

Winter’s Bone – 11:00 a.m.

Expectations: (2/25 9:42pm) A movie set in the Ozarks with unprofessional cast that’s about meth? sign me up!! …wait. No.

I don’t expect to hate this one like I did The Fighter and I’ve heard enough rumblings about how spectacular this is that it probably would have gotten a viewing within the first few months of showing up on Netflix Instant Queue. I’m interested, but mostly because I don’t feel like I “get to” have an opinion until I see this.

Now That I’ve Seen It: 12:56 pm it’s like the fighter only in *my* backyard instead. surreal. very well done, but I know people who live in that town. I’m related on all sides to that town.

oh. and it was very well done.

Grade: A-

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations:1:05 staying for black swan. I dunno.

Black Swan – 1:00 p.m.

Expectations: (2/25 9:27pm Lunch break at the mall! I probably won’t watch this again. It’s not that it’s bad, or that it doesn’t have rewatchability, but there’s an entire mall out there. With a closing Borders just waiting to be ransacked. And I have someone to save my seat. And a Kindle in my purse.

Did I Rewatch It?: 3:03 I did! it seemed like a waste not to. it’s still very fine. nomination worthy, certainly. not winning.

Grade: B+

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations: 3:07 um…

I’m doing a much better job not starving fore-warned is fore-armed.

Inception – 3:10pm

Expectations: (2/25 9:34pm) I was more or less blown away by the beauty of Inception the first time around. Sure, it had some flaws and some holes, but boy was it a pretty, gorgeous thing to watch. One thing that bothered me though, was would it hold up to a repeat showing? I aim to find out.

Now That I’ve Seen It (again): 6:24 what’s still awesome? inception is. I was worried it wouldn’t hold up, but seeing the seams kind of made it better.

Grade: A

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations: 6:26 now for movies I haven’t seen!

The Social Network – 6:45p.m.

Expectations: (2/25 9:37pm) I am excited for this. I can’t understand how it’s as good as the world thinks it is, but I really want to know.

Now That I’ve Seen It: 9:02 fun movie! another “very worthy of the nominations, probably not the award” thing.
Grade: A

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations:9:05 I really hope kings speech lives up to the hype. I want to go out on a high note, and social network has set the bar high. :)

The King’s Speech – 9:00pm

Pre Showing Thoughts: (2/25 9:39pm)How on god’s green earth can a movie about a guy with a speech impediment be that phenominally good? I mean, I know. It’s British. It has The Firth, The Geoffry, and Bellatrix Lestrange. They don’t pick bad projects or do a bad job. Like, Ever.

But still. The Fighter. True Grit. The ones I haven’t seen yet. How can this movie possibly compare and be expected to win things?

Having a personal, definitive answer to this question is the primary reason that I’m doing this whole thing. I must know.

Now That I’ve Seen It: ts
Grade:

Since the theatre with the best amenities is on the other side of town, I’ll be leaving around 9:30 to allow for plenty of time for parking and seat staking-out before the first film starts at 11:00. I’ve prepped my purse for the day and hopefully it won’t get searched thoroughly enough for them to catch the stash of pappy’s meat I’m saving for dinner. They’ll hopefully overlook the unmarked bag of soy crisps and the fruit concentrate I’ll be snacking on as part of my crazy protein diet. If I have to, I’ll blow the $10 gift card that comes with the package on bottled water. It’s not like I can eat anything else at the concession stand.

I’m ready. My family is more or less ready to spend the day without me. It’s almost time to go.

I’ll update the rest of the post as the day goes on.

Pre-Show Entertainment

10:32 am I’m already regretting not bringing the kindle. I’ve got 30 minutes to burn before the first show and I don’t want to drain the battery on my iPhone before I’ve begun.

I got to the mall/theatre about when I’d planned and picked up my super sexy lanyard and useless giftcard before taking a quick stroll around borders to see what was available at the store-closing discount. I pulled myself away from the graphic novel section (later there may be much pillaging, but not until the discount gets a bit steeper) and headed back up to the theatre.

sadly, but not surprising, most of the aisle seats were taken (either by actual people or draped coats). still i managed to get an aisle seat on a row that was more or less where I wanted. since I started typing this, the seats near me have filled up in such a way that unless this party has a surprise guest or the theatre fills up, is should be neighbor-free. hurrah.

first up is TS3, which as I said below, I’m more or less unexcited for. I don’t feel any more in the mood for sad story about leaving your toys behind today than I did last night.

already I’m wishing for 2 things: an iPhone that doesn’t hang for minutes at a time while I type and someone to guard my chair while I pee.

that’s it for now. pre-preview previews are starting and I’ve got a battery to preserve!

Toy Story 3 – 11:00 a.m.

Expectations: (2/18 10:54pm) The first of the “homework” films: I know I should see it and I’m sure it’s very well done and I’ll probably like it, but for whatever reason (hype and “warnings” in this case) I just don’t wanna.

Now That I’ve Seen It: 12:50 pm “How to Train Your Dragon” doesn’t stand a chance. If it’d come out any other year…

Definitely not a kids movie, like everyone says. Holy Christ, though. Taken as the finale to the trilogy, it’s flawless. As a stand-alone movie it holds its own as one of the best of the year.

Also, my kids are going to grow up. I’m never going to be ready for that.

Grade: A+ (I’m not like those other judges who pull back on the first few contestants. flawless movie is flawless.)

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations:12:56 pm I skipped out of the beginning of the credits to take a “bio break”. looks like my sweater was enough to keep seat snatchers at bay. Not sure whether I should eat during 127 hours or not. being starving during it might add to the experience.

Restarting my phone didn’t fix the text lag. :(

127 Hours – 1:00 p.m.

Expectations: (2/18 10:54pm) Another “homework” film. James Franco piques my curiosity, though. He makes really … diverse … choices when it comes to his acting roles. He takes it seriously, but not crazy seriously. He was one of my favorite things about the 2009 showcase in milk and easily the biggest surprise.

Now That I’ve Seen It: 2:51 it takes a visionary storyteller to tell a survival story where the audience knows the ending and more or less the basis of the survival method. Danny Boyle is pretty damn good at that. Franco deserves the best actor nom.

still, there’s something about the way Boyle paints a movie that doesn’t work quite right for me. I don’t know. did we need to make this movie? is it really anything more than a very well done documentary with a bit too much of the director’s flair thrown in? would it have been as good without it? great movie. probably top 10, but not the greatest.

Grade: B+

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations: 2:57 really looking forward to the palate cleanser of the next movie. also dinner. there is officially nothing in the theatre concessions stand I can eat. unlimited popcorn refills are all around and someone just brought in some pizza. do you think the smell of pappy’s brisket will carry?

The Kids are All Right – 3:00pm

Expectations: (2/18 10:54pm) The reason I’m doing this! Well, that’s an exaggeration. But still. This is a “regretful DVD” movie. It’s one I’ve wanted to see since I’ve heard about it, but without this showcase probably wouldn’t have been able to catch it until it hit the Netflix queue. And with the rate our consumption is going, that could take a decade.

Now That I’ve Seen It: 5:07 pm hrm. i think this is going to severely suffer from expectation management. it was fine. it was very “real” feeling. I believed everything that happened. I think everyone did a great job. I think the costuming will be under-appreciated, but it was subtle and brilliant.

but if I’m so bored I notice subtly awesome costuming? your movie has problems. I think it was supposed to be boring. maybe not boring, but definitely “not sensational”. I walked away feeling how I expect to feel about “the king’s speech.” it’s a show about some stuff. everyone did fine. except maybe the Ruffalo. jury’s still out on him.

Grade: B+

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations:5:13 toy story set the bar high, yo.

we are on dinner break. I ate all my meat in the last show and none of the food court options are tempting enough. villagers need caffeine though, so when I finish up here, I’m off to find some. I should charge my phone, too, but since there only one more break, I think it’ll last.

True Grit – 5:45p.m.

Expectations: (2/18 10:54pm) homework. homework. homework. I’m sure it’s great. I’m sure it’s flawless. I’m pretty sure I don’t care about it or want to see it. But at least it’s not The Fighter. 2.18 10:54pm

Now That I’ve Seen It: 7:52 pm battery is running low so I’ll be brief. this is the one to beat. funny. terrifying. high stakes. great acting. great editing. gorgeous and brutal. the ending was a bit … uneven, which is the only flaw. it felt Japanese. like if myasaki wanted to make a western homage to kirasawa. only live action. I’m not convinced Bridges is acting but I don’t care. Damon was epically cast and quite possibly my favorite thing. HBC and the fighter ladies have some crazy competition in the best supporting category.

right. brief. oh well. :)

Grade: A-

Other Between Show Thoughts and Observations:7:58 pm I want popcorn so bad it’s almost worth breaking the diet. I’m staying for The Fighter because everything save 127 Hours has been a surprise. we shall see.

that won’t be updated until I get home. :)

The Fighter – 7:45pm

Pre Showing Thoughts: (2/18 10:54pm)The one film in the entire list that I really, really don’t want to watch. There is something about the films that Marky Mark and Christian Bale pick when they want to get really intense about acting and character that makes me really dislike them (the movies, not the guys). The fact that they’re in this together and it’s about heavily accented blue-collar boxing? ugh. ugh. and double ugh. It will probably be the one I love the best. Or I’ll skip it and go home early and catch the hockey game. :)

Now That I’ve Seen It: 10:45 pm no, it’s not that long. I just drove home first and said hey to my family before i went back to this post.

ugh.

while watching one of the last fight scenes i started paying attention to the camera work and how incredible the editing is between the fight and the people watching the fight and i knew it was the “best” movie I’d seen today. but ugh.

every criticism i have about this movie is a personal hangup or whatever. christian bale deserves pretty much every compliment he’s getting for this role. he’s amazing. but i pretty much wanted to claw my eyes out every time he was on camera. marky mark wasn’t so bad, but that’s mostly because his character didn’t talk much. melissa leto was literally unrecognizable. honestly. maybe 2 or 3 times i caught a glimpse of her, but had i not known it was her, i wouldn’t have even thought that was an actress i’d seen in anything else. amazing.

Grade: A very, very begrudging A

And that’s a wrap! I may put together a better summary this week, but that seems unlikely with what my week looks like.

Thanks for hanging out with me. I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you.

A few years ago, a local movie theatre chain made seeing the bulk of the Oscar Nominated films even easier by offering a marathon viewing the Saturday before the Oscars of all the Best Picture nominees. You wouldn’t catch *everything* that was nominated for the main categories this way, but you’d get a pretty crisp picture. I went in 2009, fortunately during a year of great films and got to see movies I never expected to see or enjoy.

I really enjoyed the experience, but I skipped 2010.

Last year, they upped the nominees to 10(!) and AMC spread the event over two consecutive Saturdays. Not only is that a huge commitment, but for the most part, I’d already seen everything that season I’d wanted to see. There were a few that I was curious about, but there was so much that I actively did not want to see. Had they put the right movie on the right day, I may have gone, but it just didn’t feel worth it.

2011 is different. Although I did manage to catch 2 of the films when they were originally in the theatres, this is a list chock-full of potential. There are a couple I probably wouldn’t get around to seeing and one I’m flat out dreading (more on that later), But it’s a good list and there’s something deliciously decadent about turning off the world for 11 hours at a time and just enjoying oneself. When I asked R if he wanted to try and wrangle up some epic babysitting and attempt the two-Saturday affair, he declined. He also practically insisted I go by myself, because he knows how much I dig this sort of thing.

So I’m going!

I’m taking you with me, dear reader. I’ve never been to the movies by myself and doing it 5 times in a single day sort of freaks me out. To give me the allusion that this is serving some sort of “purpose” (and to keep any would-be chatty strangers at arms length), I’ll be blogging the experience. Not during the movies, mind you. That’s horridly rude. There are breaks, however, and in them you will get some raw impressions of both the movies and my experience in general. I”m not quite sure how that’s going to happen, but it will be either in a updating post on the blog, or in the comment stream of said blog post. Wordpress, my iPhone and I still have some kinks to work out on that score.

Watch this space (and twitter), and as long as my phone battery holds up, we should have lots to talk about!

If the second half of 2010 had a theme, it was Challenge is the New Black. A couple of months ago something snapped and I realized that who I think I am isn’t set in stone and even though I’m 33, I can still redefine the things about myself that I’m not down with.

I got so tired of saying “I can’t do that” and “that can’t happen” and “that’ll never work.” One day I stated saying “why not” and “but what’s the worst that can happen?” and “let’s try it anyway.” It’s so obvious and so simple, but it’s so hard to do if you’ve spent years thinking the opposite.

So I challenged myself. As a result I’ve had a pretty productive 2010:

• I landed a great job that’s (slowly) putting me on the path towards what I’d like to be when I grow up.
• I sang a (tiny) solo in my chorus’ Christmas concert.
• I started up an online “studio” for my writing and wrote tiny stories every day for 10 weeks.
• I even started a podcast with the help of some talented friends.
• I learned how to make my own Pho and had some fun with puffy pastry making individual Beef Wellingtons. It may have been only half my 2010 Culinary Goals but it was a tasty half.
• I got into comics. This may not sound like much, but considering the tiny windows I have for reading, it really helped me absorb some new stories into my brain cloud.

Not a bad list for 2010, considering I didn’t really get my wake-up call until later in the year thanks to pregnancy, babydom, and a gall-bladder removal. That helped me lose 30lbs and I’ve managed to keep (most of) it off even after I stopped nursing and ran out of time to go to the Y.

And now it’s 2011.

My goal is more of the same. Work harder. Go for a bigger solo. Write more often. Lose more weight. Find more challenges in areas I’m already focusing on. Set my sights on the neglected challenge areas (reading, cooking, meditation..ing).

How will I know if I’ve succeeded? I’m not making a quantifiable list this year. I’ll succeed if I can come back to this post in 362 days and feel like I’ve got the same outlook for 2012.

I can’t do NaNoWriMo this year. Not only is there too much going on to devote 3-4 hours a day almost every day, but I’m not sure what the point is anymore. Not the point of NaNoWriMo in general, just for me. Last year when murmur had a podcast that featured the fest, the question of what to do with a NaNoNovel after it’s been written came up. I have two NaNoNovels, but no answer to the question. It’s been plaguing me and I don’t feel like adding to that stack is a step forward. So I’m not doing it.

I feel like the daily drabbles I’m doing over at the studio are doing a great job of recharging my creative juices, so I’m not looking for a second writing challenge right now. What I do need a kick in the pants for is novel reading. I’ve read an embarrassingly few novels this year and with a twitter list full of booksellers and book fans, I’ve become extremely frustrated at my “inability” to keep up. I could make the time to read, it’s sitting right there at the end of most of my week days when I’m reading the same silly stories on the internet or watching the same silly TV shows.

To that end, I’m declaring November as National Novel Reading Month or NaNoReMo for short. My goal is to read 50 hours of novels (works of fiction) this month. This boils down to 1 hour and 40 minutes a day. I considered doing X number of novels/pages, but so much depends on the style of the author that would be much harder to quantify.

I’m planning to layering prose novels with graphic novels. I’m not sure yet if that extends to comic trades, but I think it might. It will all depend on what stands out when I finish up the previous book. Why layer? The one thing I’ve always disliked about NaNoWriMo is that by the time I’m done, I don’t want to have anything to do with writing for at least a month. I don’t want that to happen with reading (I’m not convinced it could), but the graphic novels should serve as a palate cleanser between courses.

Speaking of courses, I’m starting with The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay which i should have read months ago for the murmur book club but have barely started. My next novel will be Howl, which was gifted/awarded to me by Josh, the purveyor of Brews and Books and one of those bookseller friends I mentioned earlier.

After that, who knows? There are physical and mental stacks galore that are just begging to be taken out. I can’t wait.

What’s that you say? You have some concerns? I know. We all did. But don’t worry. It’s not going to be like last time.

It’s a different place now. Literally. They’ve moved offices (cutting the 10-block walk in half) into a sexy new space. There are no Ghosts of Drama Past lurking in the cafeteria behind the coffee machine. I couldn’t go into the old space (especially the dramariffic bathroom) without getting panic attacks. I don’t have that problem in the new space.

It’s full of different people with different attitudes – including me. Some of the folks are the same (including my husband), and everyone I’ve talked to agrees that the the place has gone through an attitude adjustment (for the better). I had to go through a bit of an interview gauntlet partially to demonstrate that I wasn’t going to bring the drama back with me. I passed, because my old role wasn’t about bringing the drama (for me), but trying to keep it away from as many people as possible – which meant i was in the thick of it 90% of the time.

It’s a different role. Instead of being a Project Manager, I’m going to be a QA Analyst/Copy Editor. What does that mean? It means that I’ll be helping polish everything that the company produces so that the best version reaches the outside world. This includes things like web testing and proofreading, but it also means being part of the teams that design and create without “overstepping my place” like I would do as a PM (like i said, different folks, different attitude).

It has hella potential. I’m not going to lie. Writing and executing test scripts and proofreading copy documents isn’t the most exciting of career opportunities (for me, anyway). Where this job really shines (besides allowing me to be more than just a mom) is where it will hopefully take me. When i’m not testing or proofing, I’ll be taking my first steps towards becoming a copywriter. If I can prove that my ability is more than theoretical, I’ll be able to transition away from QA and into a truly creative role. It’s not going to happen over night, but it can (and will) happen.

Which is why i took the job. If this were 1996 and a career counselor at my college sat me down and said, “You can get paid to write. Here’s what being a copywriter is all about and here’s what it takes to become one. Also, you like teaching and you like learning, but you will never like being ‘a teacher’,” I would have ditched my education degree (and maybe the theatre one), and switched over to double majoring in communications and computer science. I would have gotten some crazy low-paying internship where I worked 60 hours a week and started building a portfolio then and there.

It’s not 1996, though. It’s almost eleven years later. I don’t have the luxury of going back to school. I don’t have the luxury of being over-worked and underpaid. The economy isn’t in the same place it was when I graduated and companies were so desperate for people that if you seemed smart enough, they’d hire you as a UNIX admin and teach you to be a web developer even though your only prior experience was working in a computer lab and a single CS class.

What I do have is an opportunity I’m incredibly fortunate to have and I can’t wait to take advantage of it.

Pain is scary. In the span of about 10 minutes I went from “I’m sure it’s nothing serious and will pass” to “maybe we should call an ambulance. I can’t get off the floor.” It was serious when I said it wasn’t. What I meant the first time was “It’s not so scary that it trumps my fear of going to an emergency room, or even my fear of calling a doctor to see if i should.” What I meant the second time was “I’m more afraid I’m dying than anything else I’m afraid of right now.”

There is a point where pain trumps vanity. I arrived at the ER in a “nighttime bra” (a tube top to keep the girls and the leak-preventing pads in place), a t-shirt, and some yoga pants. They were the nearest and easiest things to put on. I was way over-due for a shower. I did not care. 4 hours later, when I finally caught a glimpse of my unbrushed, greasy hair in the bathroom mirror, I understood why they’d asked me if I was on any recreational drugs like cocaine.

You never want to hear someone ask your nurse, “is this an I.V. I can do?” You really don’t want her to say yes. You also don’t want the person installing your I.V. to tell you that “sometimes I can be a little messy.” “Messy” in this case means that you’ll end up with a pool of blood under your elbow. As obnoxious as the I.V. in the crook of my left arm was, she clearly wasn’t comfortable poking around anywhere else on my hands/arms. I’m on board with that.

The pain scale is easier for me to use when I think of it in terms of how much the pain affects my daily activity. I’m never comfortable calling a pain a 10, but since writhing and moaning on the floor unable to stand, is pretty much a complete inability to go about my day, that makes it a 10. By the time a doctor poked at me, my pain was down to a 3 and fading fast. I felt foolish until he dug a few fingers up under my ribs and “tickled” my gallbladder.

Morphine isn’t as much fun as they make it out to be. It mostly just made me nauseous. I wanted to be loopy and say silly things. Despite a mis-twitter and a fantastical back-story I created for one suspicious looking doctor, it was rather uneventful. Or so they tell me. I do know that I answered the “how do you feel?” question with “I’m on morphine. I have no idea,” several times.

Ultrasounds are way less fun when you’re not pregnant. Instead of it being a great event and getting a play-by-play from the technician, you just sit there, in silence while someone pokes around at you. Breathe in and hold it. Poke. Poke. Repeat for 25 minutes. He wasn’t “allowed” to tell me what he saw, and the few times I risked a look, I couldn’t tell what I was seeing. It turns out he saw a bunch of stones in an irritated (but not infected) gallbladder but no stones blocking anything anymore.

Once they’ve decided you’re not going to die or do anything else interesting, the ER folks stop caring about you. I don’t really mind. I wouldn’t want nurses or doctors rushing around to discharge a patient while I was waiting for painkillers or anything. I only became a priority when it was clear they needed the room for someone else.

Monkey’s Paw Wishing is dumb. While waiting for various verdicts, I realized this “fixed” a few things I’d been worrying about. We’re still in a risky window with breastfeeding. It’s getting better, but we’re still not “there” yet. I’ve also been worried about making sure I kept off (and kept losing) the weight after giving birth. Nothing says “no more breastfeeding” or “severe weight loss” like a bit of abdominal surgery. Fortunately I think we can work around the breastfeeding issue. This has helped me realize that breastfeeding is important enough to me that I’m willing to fight for it.

Gallbladder attacks hurt more than giving birth. I’m not sure I agree with this, but I was given twice as many “use sparingly” pain pills from the ER doc than I was sent home with after giving birth.

Living in fear is no way to live. Gallbladders are funny things. I’ve had these stones for a while and I might go years to forever without another attack. Or I might never be able to eat a hamburger without ending up on the floor while I still have mine. There’s no real way to know until you push it too far. We went through almost 3 years of Ryan testing his boundaries (without knowing it was his gallbladder) and I don’t want to deal with that. When I woke up this morning, I thought a short-term diet of low fat foods would be just fine. Maybe I wouldn’t even need surgery. By the end of dinner, I was bored and cranky. I wanted more than rice and pasta, but I was afraid to venture into more fat-filled fare. How far could I push my diet until it pushed back? Am I more afraid of triggering attack or having an outpatient surgical procedure to eliminate the problem?

I mostly just want to be past it. Since I can’t ever be “past it” while I still have a gallbladder, it needs to come out. So out it comes.