what now?

like any good breakup, even though i was clearly dumped, i’m pretending that it was sort of mutual, no really, it was. i mean, okay, technically i was caught off guard and didn’t see it coming at all, but i’d been saying for weeks how under-appreciated i felt and that if things didn’t change, i was going to leave. and i’ll grant you, until it was happening i’d never expected this to happen, but still, since i was sort of kind of considering it in the back of my mind, it was sort of mutual. i also got the “let’s still be friends” speech, which i mostly believe, but time will tell how friendly we’ll actually be.

all analogies aside, i don’t have a job anymore. some downsizing happened at the company i work for, and i was on the list. it’s apparently a rather standard thing in advertising agencies and i remember similar ebb and flow with this company before i started working there. we’ve been largely flowing for the past couple of years, though, so it came as a bit of a stunner. regardless of how much value i bring to the company, the fact is that i’m part-time and charge very little of my time to billable projects. i’d put me on the short list, too. there’s some talk about possibly doing some project-based work as the need arises. i’m interested, but i’m not going to bank on it until when/if it stabilizes. …i’m not even sure i want it.

so…the most obvious question is: what now?

the world is largely my oyster. well, i don’t like oysters so let’s say the world is largely my fresh main lobster tail. with some finessing of our finances, i won’t need to find another job, at least not right away. my part-time job was as much to deliver a bit of sanity to my week as much as it was for the money.

i know that eventually, i will need to do something. i will need a scheduled promise of getting out of the house, alone, providing some worth outside of being charlotte’s mom or spending my husband’s money. my mind is reeling with the possibilities. when we were planning an escape strategy for my last job, “the plan” was for me to do a bit of writing and/or baby making/raising and supplement our family income with a part time job that was attractive enough without being all drama-ful.

i’m pretty sure with a little leg-work we could resurrect those plans and adapt them for the future. but do i want to? i could also focus full/part time on writing. i have a very disappointed babysitter who would love to continue getting 16 hours or more a week with her granddaughter.

my mind is reeling with all the long and short term possibilities. it’s such a mess in there, though, that i can barely see what they are, much less focus enough to pick one. i’m giving myself a week to just be. a week for all of this to settle. a week to see what it feels like to not have a deadline on my “vacation.” a week to see how much “me” time i have as the mother of a 4 month old, and fill it with whatever low-cost activities i want. and if i need another week after that, then i’ll take another.

a week. then we’ll see.