milestone reached
Today I turned 30 years old.
It was both more and less traumatic than I had anticipated. I was worried earlier in the year/last year that if I wasn’t pregnant, it was going to be an ugly day. There’s this sort of unspoken “line” at 30 that makes pregnancy harder, etc, and it would mean 18+ months of trying and failing and not being too much further along the list of accomplishments than I was when I was 25 and it smacked me around a bit. Since I’m now 30 and 22 weeks pregnant, it’s less of a thing. I’m also not drinking and not up for non-drinking partying thanks to pregnancy related limitations, and there’s enough going on in our lives that it really snuck up on me.
So meh. 30. Big deal.
Last night I looked in the mirror and told my reflection, “This is the face of a 30 year old woman. This is your face. This is what you look like at 30. 30 30 30.” It was … disconcerting at best. I quickly switched focus to my belly. I’m also attributing the majority of my “expired warranty” aches and pains to the fact that I’m pregnant. I’m sure at 32 I’ll have to admit that was silly, but for now, I’m content with my denial.
Later last night, I realized that my father was not going to call me at 10:50am like he has done every year that I was not with him at 10:50am. And he never would again. I was fine father’s day. I was not fine last night. I was not fine all morning while i waited for the moment of nothing to pass. Oddly enough, 5 or 6 people and two phone calls converged on me at about 10:45. By the time the smoke cleared, it was 11:15 and the moment and a large portion of my anxiety had passed. I still feel like something is missing, like there’s a phone call i should wait for before i go to bed, but it’s much less acute of an ache than it was last night.
The day was filled with well-wishes, flowers, tasty treats, and embarrassing pictures from high school.
In the end (it’s almost bed time), I had a fairly low-key, low-drama birthday. Just the way I like it.
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